What do you think of this writing
love bug
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Sunday, 8th of August 2010 01:18:27 AM
What do you think of this? It was for English homework - we were given a love bug black-and-white photo of a man hurrying down an alleyway at night, and we Registered User had to write a story based on that photo.
Sorry if some of it got Joined: Sunday, 13th of June 2010, 21:45:55 cut off; I’ll post the rest of it as a separate question.
Pop, if Posts: 1190 you’re reading this, please comment!? Px :):):)
Down Viewed 8928 times Jim’s Alleyway
Pierre hurried down Jim’s Alleyway, his head
bowed demurely, his feet making short staccato sounds on the cobblestones.
His parents had told him to avoid Jim’s Alleyway at night; an old man
had been robbed there a month before, but Pierre knew that if he took the
long way round he would miss his favourite television programme. The
alleyway smelt of old takeaways and beer and rats. A huge rat ran
confidently across the path in front of Pierre. Pierre stared, too shocked
to be repulsed.
Suddenly he heard voices coming from around the
corner. He decided to hide in the shadow of a pillar until they had passed
by; he did feel rather frightened after his parents’ lectures. But the
voices did not pass by; instead they continued steadily in one place.
Pierre glanced round furtively, then inched his head around the corner.
Two men in hats and overcoats stood deep in conversation. They
looked like a pair of gangsters from Tintin, thought Pierre with a grin.
How clichéd they looked! They spoke in low voices but some of their words
were audible to him. He caught the words ‘Crescent Place’ and
‘half-past eleven tonight’ and ‘Yes, l know they’ll be out.’/>Pierre frowned, his ears strained, trying to hear more. Should he just
take a chance and go past them now? He was wasting enough time; the
programme would be starting in ten minutes. Would he miss the first few
minutes of it? Would -
And then one of the men produced a gun from
his overcoat pocket. Pierre stepped back, horrified. The gun was small,
but the sight of something that could end someone’s life with the pull
of a trigger filled him with fear and dread. He wished he hadn’t come
down the alleyway.
‘We’ll take it just in case,’ said the man,
referring to the gun. Just in case we’re mistaken and there is someone at
home.’
‘Yes, yes. Shall we go up to the bedroom first? Take some
jewellery, and any money in the drawers?’
Pierre understood with
sudden clarity that a robbery was about to take place. He didn’t wait to
hear any more; he had all the information he needed: the men would raid a
house on Crescent Place at half-past eleven. Pierre sprinted as quietly as
possible back down the alleyway the way he had come, and ran panting into
the police station on the main street.
He explained all that he had
seen and heard, praying that the policemen would believe his tale. They
looked rather suspicious at first, but when they saw his earnest face they
knew that he was telling the truth.
‘Right,’ said a burly
policeman, taking charge. ‘You - Andrew, Luke, come with me to Crescent
Place at eleven o’clock and we’ll wait for them. We’ll let them
break in and take whatever they want, and then we’ll step out of the
shadows and pounce on them.’
‘Good idea,’ said Andrew and Luke
the policemen, nodding their heads. They looked alert and awake, pleased
that something had happened. They were sick of lazing around in their
chairs and drinking cup after cup of weak tea and signing documents. At
last, something exciting!
‘You don’t remember a particular house
being mentioned?’ said the burly policeman to Pierre. ‘Just that
it’s on Crescent Place?’
Pierre said yes, hardly believing that
this was happening. He hoped that the policemen would capture the two men
in overcoats, and that he would be allowed to go along and sit grandly in
the police car and wait for the crime to be committed. He voiced this
thought to the policemen. They exchanged glances and questioning looks.
‘Well, all right,’ said Luke. ‘You’re a good lad. Come along
and enjoy the adventure.’
So at ten to eleven, Pierre slipped out of
his house, having made sure that his parents were in bed - they would
certainly forbid him to go if he told them - and stole along to the police
station. The policemen greeted him like an old friend and he felt pleased
inside. They all got into the police car and drove to Crescent Place. It
seemed an affluent neighbourhood, with ornamental ponds in the gardens,
and Saabs and BMWs parked in the driveways. Just the target for a robbery,
Pierre thought grimly.
The police car was parked in the shaded
driveway of a house for sale, so that the thieves would not see it when
they came. The burly policeman, whose name was Frederick, passed around
some mints and everyone sucked them silently, an atmosphere of
anticipation filling the car like a fog.
They waited for twenty
tense minutes. And then a white van drove past and parked outside No. 7.
Everyone stiffened and craned their necks. Two men in overcoats emerged
and scurried up the path and round to the back of the house. The policemen
and Pierre got out of the car and approached No
PinkerBell
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Monday, 9th of August 2010 02:36:36 AM
Hello Yaga! PinkerBell I thought your story was very good, you know well I did! ;) :) Registered User ''Pierre stared, too shocked to be repulsed.'' :D :D Joined: Sunday, 2nd of May 2010, 04:15:38 Pop, xxx Posts: 1306 Viewed 18141 times
tweenkie butt
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Tuesday, 10th of August 2010 03:38:39 PM
Its good tweenkie butt Registered User Joined: Thursday, 20th of May 2010, 00:23:57 Posts: 1881 Viewed 3770 times
poooks!
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Wednesday, 11th of August 2010 05:44:45 AM
It is very good. You are a good writer. A noticed a couple poooks! misspellings, but, whatever. Registered User Joined: Wednesday, 12th of May 2010, 19:44:35 Posts: 285 Viewed 11680 times
Buttmonkey
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Thursday, 12th of August 2010 12:51:40 AM
It is pretty good, actually! Buttmonkey Registered User Joined: Wednesday, 16th of June 2010, 18:34:14 Posts: 506 Viewed 10347 times
Shimmy Shimmy Lip Gloss Barbie
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Friday, 13th of August 2010 03:09:34 AM
very good - but too wordy at times. Shimmy Shimmy Lip Gloss Barbie Registered User Joined: Thursday, 27th of May 2010, 05:59:32 Posts: 425 Viewed 14041 times
Brownie
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Saturday, 14th of August 2010 06:14:49 AM
I like your use of adjectives. I think will have really hooked Brownie any readers, and I am sure the rest will be just as good! Registered User Joined: Friday, 30th of April 2010, 17:00:07 Please answer mine! Posts: 1736 Viewed 17143 times http://..com/question/index;_ylt=AsVJfx9zWOH8PRPlNAGgswHsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090822044621AAecdxO
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